Thursday, July 28, 2005

Believing in the Midst of Doubt


"You know it's there so take it, even fake it till it comes true"

--Astrud Gilberto "Stay" from Beach Samba, 1967

Feeling normal. Relaxed even. Seeing things as they are rather than how I want them to be. On a positive vibe, but not overly so. It's just like when I let go of expectations everyone can sense there is no agenda.

I myself feel a sense of freedom. How easily I am caught up in a story. A story of romance. A story of moving to a place. A story of something of which I have already determined and am tied into its planned outcome. Attached and not free. Trapped and blocked. Coming down off a high. Withdrawal.

As I reflect near the end of my (paper) journal, I am shocked at the number of pages devoted to the perennial negativity. Sometimes years of my life submerged in conflict, misery and complication. Like I was at the same time feeling pain but somehow numb to it. As I reflect back there were times too when I was numb to the joy as well. That my mistakes, if I can call them such, have served a purpose and have informed me. Even though I may not yet know to what end.

The day I fall in love it will all either make sense or cease to matter.

Because after all, I believe that love is real, tangible and accessible to all, including myself. That one day I will find someone and it will just click. And then, I will look back, smile and say to myself "I wouldn't change a thing - though it all would have been a whole hell of a lot easier had I just known what I now know".

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